will england :: humor : Sysadmins Shorthand Guide

Date: 21 Jul 1998 21:32:52 GMT
From: Stephen Edwards

Subject: The System Administrator's Shorthand Guide

SYSADMIN SHORTHAND: The tool for quick yet satisfying responses to the
luser populace.

This text will be presented in the following format...

Luser: <statement>
Admin: <shorthand reply>
-----
Xlate: <shorthand reply translation>

Please print several copies of this, and hand them out to your lusers, to
better enable yourselves to communicate with them.

Enjoy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Luser: <System or part of system> is not working like it normally does!
Admin: Gimme a few minutes.
-----
Xlate: If you broke something, I will fucking kill you!

Luser: How do I do <task>?
Admin: Check the online help.
-----
Xlate: I have more important things to do, than to hand-hold imbeciles,
so please, GOYA, and RTFM.

Luser: Did you hear/see what <irrelevant person> did?
Admin: No.
-----
Xlate: I'm afraid that I am not authorized to give a shit about anything
you could possibly tell me about some other luser I have nothing to
do with.

Luser: Is this going to take much longer?
Admin: Almost there...
-----
Xlate: If you bug me once more, I will personally grind you up into a fine
powder, and sprinkle you over my oatmeal.

Luser: I just got <product> for my computer... it OWNZ man!
Admin: Sounds pretty neat.
-----
Xlate: You see these?... These are the eyes of a man, who does not give a
crap about your home kum-pyooter.

Luser: I have a question for you... on my computer at home, <blah blah>...
Admin: Hmmm... I dunno.
-----
Xlate: I charge $25.50 per minute.

Luser: Uhm... sorry to bother you, but I think I accidentally broke
<system or part of system>.
Admin: Okay. I'll be there in a sec...
-----
Xlate: You admitted your mistake, and I respect that. But I
still must kill you.

Boss : Why exactly am I paying you so much money, again?
Admin: Because you need my services.
-----
Xlate: Because your worthless lusers need someone to page in the middle of
the night when they break something, because they are too fucking
stupid to have the slightest idea of what to do... now get out of
my way, asswipe, before I use you to invent the worlds first human
speed bump.

HTH, HAND. All lusers, FOAD.
--
Stephen S. Edwards II

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Author: Will England (will@mylanders.com)
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Disclaimer: Anything I have to say is mine, dammnit! My employers, clients nor anyone else can take credit (or be blamed) for it.

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This page is a Y to K complaint.

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