will england :: humor : Condensed LOTR


THE COMPLETE "HOBBIT"

Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
Originally from The BookAMinute Site

---------------------------------------------------------------

THE HOBBIT

Bilbo Baggins: Ah, now for some peace and quiet. Oops, someone's at the
door.

Balin: We're dwarves. I'm the merry one.

Dwalin: I'm the happy one.

Fili: I'm the young one.

Kili: I'm the other young one.

Dori: I'm the funny one.

Nori: I'm the joyous one.

Ori: I'm the cute one.

Oin: I'm the jolly one.

Gloin: I'm the silly one.

Bifur: I'm the one with the funniest name.

Bofur: I'm the one with the looniest name.

Bombur: I'm the fat one.

Thorin: I'm the one with a distinct personality.

Gandalf: Now that you're all here, let's go on a quest.

(They get captured by TROLLS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get
EATEN. Then they get captured by ORCS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they
almost get EATEN.)

Bilbo Baggins: What have I got in my pocket?

Gollum: I don't know.

(They get captured by SPIDERS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get
EATEN.)

Smaug: I'm an evil dragon. Hiss hiss.

(Bilbo Baggins turns INVISIBLE, and then some obscure co-star SLAYS the
dragon, and it makes a MESS.)

Bilbo Baggins: I'm going home. Peace and quiet, here I come.

THE END

----------------------------------------------------------------

THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins, your Ring is evil. In a couple decades, we'll try to
destroy it. In the meantime, leave it for Frodo to play with.

Bilbo Baggins: It's not evil. It's mine. My precious. Mine! MINE, I TELL
YOU!!MOOHOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(Frodo takes it to RIVENDELL. Some FRIENDS come with him. They are attacked
by black riders a LOT, and it is SCARY.)

Elrond: Frodo Baggins, if Sauron ever gets this Ring, the world will be
destroyed, and evil will reign forever. We must act quickly. Take the Ring
to where he lives.

(They do some travelling. Some more FRIENDS come with him. Gandalf DIES in
the mines of Moria, but will later be RESURRECTED in GLORIFIED form having
triumphed over EVIL, an obvious literary ALLUSION to that movie where the
guy comes back as a DOG.)

Boromir: Frodo Baggins, give me the Ring.

Frodo: No.

Boromir: What have I done? (dies)

THE END

----------------------------------------------------------------

THE TWO TOWERS

(Gandalf frees THEODEN and overthrows SARUMAN. A bunch of IRRELEVANT stuff
happens. Then the PLOT starts up again.)

THE END

----------------------------------------------------------------

THE RETURN OF THE KING

Aragorn: We must travel the Paths of the Dead.

Eowyn: You'll die.

(They don't.)

Gandalf: The Hordes of Mordor will destroy Minis Tirith.

(They don't.)

Gandalf: We must attack Mordor. We'll all be killed.

(They aren't.)

Gollum: Mmmm, yummy finger! (dies)

Frodo: The Ring has been destroyed, but now we will die in Mordor.

Sam: Buck up, Master Frodo.

(A bunch of feathered DEUS EX MACHINAS come out of NOWHERE and save
EVERYBODY.)

THE END

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